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Holiday Research

Here’s one I wrote over the holidays just recently. In the best traditions of online comedy, I think there’s something here to offend everyone! But if I said who would be most the offended, then I’d ruin the surprise.

The second coming of Jesus was a pivotal point in human history. The faithful ascended to the kingdom of God, and Christ remained with the rest to absolve them of their sin. Note that most of the rest (in the west) were amoral, science-loving atheists.

So the first thing they did was nail him to a cross again. The essence of science is reproducability, and the apocryphal reports from the last time just begged for a reproduction study. In three days, they would confirm or refute the resurrection hypothesis.

But no-one was content to just wait for three days. Everyone had their own hypotheses and they all needed testing. Bits of Christ were cut off for immersion in water, acid, salt – you name it! Centrifuges and linear accelerators all partook of the flesh of Christ (the latter in a highly speculative attempt to find the “son of god” particle).

The most interesting result came from the lab that grew cloned Christ flesh in vats. When all the other experiments showed little results after a day, perceived demand for Christ-flesh dried up. It didn’t have miraculous caloric content, or hydrophobic properties, or even perform the simple (for Jesus) task of curing cancer. So the optimistically grown vats of Christ-flesh were chucked into the garbage compressor.

There were few survivors, but this was finally a promising avenue for research! More labs began to clone and compress Christ-flesh, and after four more explosions one lab finally discovered the mechanism (and lived to tell about it). Dr. Bruce Blake of the UNSW Nuclear Physics department wrote the preliminary report:

We have found that in concentrations of greater than 1.5 kg/L, (min. mass approx. 100g) the cells cloned from the flesh of Christ undergo what is substantially a nuclear fission chain reaction. A wide variety of cells, including muscle, skin and fatty tissue, can instantly consume their cell nucleus in a miraculous reaction that generates between two and four red blood cells. There is also an outflow of energy, mostly beta particles, which heat the surrounding tissue and can increase the chance of a spontaneous cellular transmutation in nearby cells.

This behavior defies the laws of physics by spontaneously generating large amounts of energy, and should be carefully investigated as a potential power source. As the release of energy is largely from an uncontrolled chain reaction, extreme care needs to be taken when compressing a cloned mass. But the potential is amazing and joyous if you don’t explode. I hope that by the end of the year we have a a safe and merry Christ-mass fueled reactor. Until then, take care around critical Christ-mass this research season.

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