Note: This parody assumes a very good knowledge of the actual Miss Saigon story. I wrote it while I was in the ensemble for a performance, so that level of knowledge will assuredly suffice.
April 1975, near the end of the Vietnam war, two shadowy figures walk quickly through the cold streets of Moscow at dawn…
“Looks like we’re going to miss Saigon.”
“Don’t underestimate me comrade. I am the best.”
“I know Valentina, you are the best we have. But the Vietcong will be victorious within a month, and when Saigon falls, the ambassador will depart. Even a spy of your caliber couldn’t assassinate him that quickly without drawing suspicion.”
“You further underestimate the chaos of war. This isn’t a disciplined and orderly place like our glorious Soviet Union. I’ll be in and out in a week, with no-one the wiser.”
“Very well Valentina, take your best shot. At the head of the American ambassador.”
The very next day Valentina Dezhynov, KGB Super-Spy, was in Saigon and meeting with an existing soviet agent, who had the codename “The Engineer”. He greets her with a seedy smile, “Greetings comrade. It’s always nice to see more KGB abroad. How are you enjoying the balmy tropics?”
“Cut the chit-chat Engineer, I need a cover.”
“Certainly. I have a few approaches we could use. My cover is safe enough for you to pose as my sister, visiting from abroad.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. This is a war-zone, not a tourist trap.”
“A refugee, fleeing the desolation to the north?”
“How will that get me into the embassy? Capitalist pigs don’t help penniless peasants.”
“If you just want to meet the soldiers, perhaps you could work as a barmaid? A lot of off-duty GIs come into my establishment to `relax’.”
“I’ve heard about your establishment. It would be more appropriate to pose as a new prostitute.”
“I hope they still teach the ladies seduction in KGB school. Screwing random GIs isn’t going to get you anywhere.”
“So long as their officers go off-duty too, I’ll be fine. How did you want to handle this?”
“We’ll mix in the refugee story, you look just like the burnt-out husk of a village girl someone brought in.”
“What? Who brings in the burnt-out husk of a dead girl?”
“It was a raving old man. A nearby village was hit by napalm, and he carried his niece here to receive treatment. A shame that she had been dead for hours by the time I found her. He didn’t notice of course, just answered all of my questions in the foolish hope that I could save her life.”
“You can pose as that girl. Her name was Kim, and she looked to be about seventeen. Say that your family was burned out in the rice fields, so you fled to the city. Naturally, I picked you up straight away and started pimping you.”
“Sounds good. I’ll play the reluctant prostitute, and you put me in front of whatever white knight GI has the most stripes on his shoulders.”
“I’ll take you backstage to where the other whores are assembled. Remember, you are Kim, a young and naive vietnamese refugee whose family was hit by napalm…”
“Yes yes yes. I’m traumatized by the horrors of war and am now forced to sell my body to survive. Blah blah blah. Did you sleep your way through spy school instead of learning things?”
“I can assure you, my seduction classes never got that practical.”
‘Kim’ of course had extremely practical seduction courses. She put her skills to use working in the seedy whore-house, and quickly enamoured an American Sergeant by the name of Chris. A whirlwind romance leads to an improvised wedding before she can infiltrate the embassy.
Of course, `Kim’ needed some help with a traditional vietnamese ceremony. She rushed to her local contact for help.
“Engineer! I got in a bit faster than I expected to, and now I’m scheduled to marry a sergeant tomorrow. I made up some shit about unicorns, and he seemed to buy it for now. But I need you to brief me on local wedding ceremonies as quickly as possible.”
“Yes of course, but isn’t this a bit fast? He’ll be suspicious for sure.”
“This guy’s a total greenhorn, and under my thumb the whole way.”
“I know you’re on a tight schedule, but please don’t get caught! If the americans even begin to suspect my cover my mission fails!”
“Don’t worry, he’s securely wrapped around my little finger and is thinking less than a reader of the New York Times.”
“If your cover is blown we’ll both die.”
“That’s the usual penalty for failure. Just teach me the damn wedding ritual so I don’t stand out.”
The wedding starts on time as “Dju voy vay” carols in the background. As Kim recites her vows, fingers crossed behind her back, Chris stares on in vapid-eyed wonder. Suddenly, Thuy appears. Running in from the doorway, he grabs Kim by the hand.
“Kim, I’ve come to take you home.”
“This girl is mine!”
“Who are you?”
The two men seem to take an immediate dislike to each other as Kim comes between them. Kim tries to explain to Thuy that the promise died with her parents, but he doesn’t accept that. Caught between the two men Kim tries to keep them calm. They start posturing, drawing their guns and Kim in between them is all that stops the imminent shootout. If Thuy died at the hands of a Russian agent the Vietcong would be resentful, but she also didn’t have time to pick up another American for embassy access. Fortunately, after Kim repeats that she will not have Thuy he backs off, leaving her to stay Chris’ hand from shooting Thuy in the back as he departs. Thuy safely out of earshot, Kim professes her love to Chris again as they dance the night away.
Finally, Chris takes her to the embassy and starts fighting for some emigration papers. The embassy is in chaos, and the workers are swamped. Chris argues with the officer on duty as Kim tries to distinguish herself as the only patient vietnamese applicant there. It seems to have an effect on the staff.
“Thank you for your patience, as you can see we’re very busy.”
“Of course. Can I help? I have nothing to do until we evacuate”
“You don’t qualify for embassy staff, but we need all the help we can get. Can you just reassure people, and keep them in lines?”
“Of course, I would love to help”
“Then come to the embassy at half past eight tomorrow morning”
Kim of course got to the embassy by eight sharp, and wandered around ‘lost’ for some time. When a guard finally accosted her, she explained her situation well enough to survive. The guard was kind enough to take her to the main entrance and watch over her until the embassy worker claimed her. Unfortunately, her surveillance merely confirmed the photographs she had started with – impregnable. As she worked that day, all in the public areas, she tried to identify weak spots from within, but the building swarmed with guards. The building was well covered overnight, but during the day you wouldn’t manage to slip through even if all the guards were blind – so thickly did they cover the grounds! She continued to search for a weak-spot, as the vietcong had just taken Xuan Loc and Saigon would be next. Their rapid advance was exceeding everyone’s expectations, and making her already tight schedule nearly impossible.
Randomly jumping forward in time three years, Chris has remarried. His new wife, Ellen, comes back from the doctor one day with a serious look on her face.
“Chris, you never tell me about your time in Vietnam ”
Chris sighs, “What’s to tell? It was a terrible war. You want stories about all the men I killed? ”
“I’ve already heard about Harold, and you should be more shameful about friendly fire. ”
“I killed some vietnamese too. Probably. ”
“I don’t want to hear about the actual war. What did you do in your down time? ”
Chris sort of paused, and then spat out, “It was war, I spent the time in quiet ruminations on the horrors I inflicted. I don’t want to relive it. ”
Ellen was skeptical, “Is that a code phrase for ‘booze and whores’?”
“Yes,” he said dejectedly, “All the guys were doing it!”
“That’s no excuse. Did you use protection?”
“What are you, my mother?”
Ellen’s face turned serious again, “The doctor just told me I have Chlamydia. Could you have picked it up during your seedy Vietnam whoring phase?”
“C’mon, what are the chances of getting a disease from a few dozen whores? They were city whores, I’m sure they were clean.”
“The doctor said he saw this in a lot of families of returned soldiers. Are you sure there are no whores I should know about?”
Chris was still avoiding eye contact as he replied, “It was a disease infested jungle in Vietnam, I probably got it from the insects.”
Her mind boggled as she asked, “What were you doing with those insects?”
Finally breaking down, Chris collapses onto the couch sobbing, “Alright, I slept with tons of whores. I even married one, her name was Kim and I couldn’t save her. We were separated in the evacuation and I never saw her again. I searched for a whole year, she must have died when they took the city. I tried to bury her as best as I could… I’m sorry I never told you Ellen. Will you ever be able to trust me again?”
With a calculated sigh she replied, “Finish painting the shed and I’ll let you know.”
Meanwhile, in soviet Russia, Valentina was having a bubble bath.
“Comrade Valentina, there is a messenger downstairs for you.”
“He can wait until I finish my bath.”
Half an hour later, Valentina came down to meet the messenger.
“Comrade, our Ho Chi Min agents have gotten word that an American war vet named Chris has been pouring through his contacts in search of you.”
“Full name is Christopher Scott.”
“Doesn’t ring a bell. Let him hear nothing. Presumably she died in a fire when the city was taken.”
“Yes comrade. I’ll inform our network. ”
Back to before the fall of Saigon. Thuy appears one night in Saigon and corners Kim alone.
“I’ll give you one last chance. Saigon will fall, and so will your GI.”
“Thuy, I can’t go with you.”
“I can’t guarantee your safety when we attack the city ”
“It’s okay, my GI is going to marry me and take me to America.”
“You whore! Selling yourself for comforts! Your father would never forgive you for breaking his promise, and he’d never forgive you for betraying your country!”
“He died, and I must survive. I’m sorry”
“You are not sorry, you’re a traitor. I will not let you sully our family name like this! You will come back with me now, and leave your dead American in the dirt where he belongs.”
Thuy grabs her arm and starts to pull her to the doorway. Kim tries to resist, but he keeps pulling her forward. Kim mutters under her breath “the KGB had better not hear about this”, and then leaps into action. A mighty roundhouse kick to his head knocks them both to the floor. Untangling herself, she readies herself for the final blow. But Thuy recovered almost as quickly, and as her foot lashed out to smash his head on floor he was already jumping up, and in the moment she was disoriented he lands a punch right in her face. That’s not nearly enough to drop an elite soviet agent, and he had overextended himself with such a strong attack. This sets up the ebb and flow of the resulting brawl, both combatants too busy fighting to realize that they had severely underestimated their opponent. Several blows later, Kim caught up to reality first. When the next blow came, she was ready for it, and used it to throw Thuy onto the floor once again. Her following kick came like lightning and Thuy’s unconscious head
lolled on the floor. She watched him lay there for one frozen moment, and then she looked around for any incriminating evidence. Little of Chris’ room pointed to anything beyond him and some interchangeable girl, but there wasn’t an easy conclusion for any investigators. The first thing she learnt about avoiding blame is that people love having an easy conclusion to jump to, it’s easier than real detective work. Then her eyes fell on Chris’ gun and she solved the mystery. “What would you expect from a Vietcong soldier bursting into a GI’s quarters?” she thought, as she scattered lead throughout his torso. Time was up, so she ran off to the embassy to complete her mission.
With fewer guards at four AM, she scaled the side wall and climbed onto the roof. Swinging around,she breaks through a top floor Window, and enters an empty filing room. A resounding thunder of footsteps meets her as guards all over the floor scramble to investigate the noise. She ran down the corridor knocking soldiers to the ground as she tried to reach the stairs down. A smattering of gunfire makes her instinctively roll to the ground as she rounds a corner, knocking the legs out from under the guards who were lying in wait. Scrambling to her feet, she sprints over to the stairs, so close to reaching the ambassador’s bedroom on the floor below. But as she approaches the railing, she notices the guards marching up the stairs. A dozen men, guns drawn, were running up to reinforce the top floor. Kim knew at once that she had to abort, and a hail of lead followed her as she dived through one final window into the garden bed. Four marines jostled for space at the broken window to try and shoot her while she
ran back into the dark streets of Saigon.
When Chris gets home, he finds Kim waiting for him in bed. Chris runs to her side, full of energy, “I heard there was a break-in at the embassy this morning!”
“I wouldn’t know. I’ve just been here in bed waiting for you. All night.”
“Oh, I like that. But what happened here? All this blood, and your hands are all scratched?”
“I got so bored and lonely thinking of all the things you could do to me when you got back.” she purred.
“Kinky. I like it.” and for the next few hours Chris was oblivious to any logical discontinuities. Shortly after noon, Chris leaps to his feet. “Christ, I’m due at the embassy! No time to lose!”
“You go on ahead, I’ll stay and pack.” replied Kim.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to leave you today.”
In her most sultry voice, Kim reassures him. “I’m sure we’ll get word when the VC attack. I’ll be in this bed waiting, when you get back.”
Chris winks at her as he grabs his gun and runs off to the embassy.
When he gets there, the embassy is in chaos once again. They had finished cleaning up all the broken glass, but the order had finally come through to evacuate. A mob had formed at the embassy gates, full of vietnamese who had supported the US. Now that it was the US’ turn to support them, let’s just say that they saw the chopper as half-empty. It took Chris nearly an hour to get through the crowd and into the embassy, and he didn’t get a very friendly greeting. As the evacuation was rushed along quicker than humanely possible, Chris could do little more than yell out Kim’s name as the marines dragged him onto the chopper. He never forgave himself for leaving her behind.
Kim of course was glad to see the back of him. As soon as he left she ran to the Engineer’s hiding hole. To her surprise, he was still there.
“Shouldn’t you have evacuated by now? Or does the VC know your allegiance?” Kim’s voice was hurried and full of panic, but the Engineer responded in a slower, weary tone. “They know nothing, and there’s still time to get clear. I didn’t want your mission to fail like mine has – here:”, he passed the radio mic to her, “it’s ready, a direct channel to Soviet Missile command.”
“You knew my backup plan?”
“I heard the ambassador survived your attempt last night. Desperate times…”
“Thanks.” mutters Kim as she focuses her attention to the Radio.
“КГБ 2213 призвание товарищ ракета команду, за…”
The radio conversation took some time, but it finally ended with missile command affirming the order, “да товарищ, и из за.”
“Finally”, sighed Kim, ” the ambassador’s time has run out.”
Softly, the engineer chimed in. “The VC aren’t in the city yet, we can go to the roof and watch the missile strike”. As they walked up the stairs, Kim asked “Did you say your mission failed?”
“Yes, sadly. I was to infiltrate the US from this position. It was my only exit plan should the Vietcong win the war.”
“What will you do now?”
“I don’t know. The KGB does not tolerate failure, so I doubt they’ll evacuate either of us now…”
Kim’s voice was sudden and determined as she cut him off, “My mission will still succeed.”
“Then let’s go watch it happen.”
They went to the roof, and waited. After a few hours of painful, drawn-out dread, the helicopters arrived at the US embassy before the missile. Kim’s heart sunk for a while, until in the distance she saw the flare of a missile. Her heart soared and fell along with the rocket’s long arc, for through binoculars she watched as it sank harmlessly into the Saigon river, some twenty kilometers distant. While US helicopters continued to fly off across the pacific, Kim just stood there muttering to herself. “You missed Saigon? It’s a fucking city! How can you miss Saigon?”
Clever, good satire. Starts and ends with a pun on to “miss Saigon.”